My Passion is Different (and that's okay)

It's okay that weight loss is not my main priority.  Do I want to be healthy? Of course.  However, it's okay that I don't live every day with my main goal as losing weight. 

I follow a lot of people on Instagram who have weight loss, exercise, and physical health as one of their top daily goals.  And, that is great for them.  They spend their lives motivating others to be healthier, and I commend them for that.  They have found their calling, or at least part of it, and they are living that out.  I think that is amazing, and I learn from them.

The thing is, we can't all be fitness people. Nor are we all called to be fitness people.

I have to give myself permission to be okay with the fact that I am not one of those people.  Yes, I will always work on my weight and health, but not to motivate others, per se.  I can be so hard on myself, thinking I need to be posting my workouts (when I actually go to the gym), the healthy meals I eat, and what my weight is.  But, that's not me.  

I did try that once.  I signed up to be a Beachbody coach.  I enjoyed the shakes, I took pictures daily, I worked out at home every morning.  It was a good lifestyle for a while, and I saw changes in my body.  But, I wasn't invested in it.  And, that's okay.

I do my make up every day, but I have never posted one make up video.  For some, that is their thing, but, it is not mine. 

Some thrive on clothing styles and brands and build a business around it.  I need those people so I know that what I am wearing is at least somewhat in.  If I posted my daily outfits, it would be mostly jeans and a t-shirt - or some combination of such.  

Some are passionate about a particular product and use their efforts to bring awareness and make sales.  I will sometimes buy the product, but I have no desire to sell the product.  And, that is totally okay. 

There are many passions out there - teaching, coaching, talking, designing, creating, cooking, etc.  The list can go on and on.

I used to believe that since I struggle with my weight, and I am working on being healthier, then I should be sharing that journey.  But, my passion is something completely different.  

And, that is okay. 

Let's embrace our uniqueness!

Why Am I Alive?

On Saturday while I was driving over the rolling hills in God's beautiful creation, a question rolled off my lips, and the tears rolled down my cheeks...

With many women dying every single day due to intimate partner violence, why did God choose to keep me?

Look at these stats if you want to know more.

Why did God spare my life?

Again?  He's done it so many times.

1. God spared my life before I was even born.  My earthly father wanted my mother to abort me.
2. When I was a young child, I fell into a well.  The only explanation is an angel pulled me out.
3. I contemplated suicide regularly for over 25 years. Something (Someone) always stopped me.
4. I fell asleep while driving and went off the road. It was half a kilometre away from a steep river bank.
5. I lived with a volatile man for 11 years.  He could have snapped at any time.

These are just the times I know of.

I don't have an answer to the specific 'why.'  What I do know is God has a purpose for me as long as He keeps me alive.  Then, there will be a purpose in my death.

A sermon I heard on Sunday was about whether or not the actions of one person makes a difference. The conclusion is clear:

"... the thing that makes the right action effective is that it is undertaken in faith. You don’t do it because you have a guarantee that it will work but because you are willing to trust God to take what you do and multiply it through the actions of many others. But whatever you do, don’t believe the lie that this world tries to sell you that your decisions and actions don’t matter. They do."  - Rev. Scott McAndless (full sermon here)

My actions matter.

Your actions matter.

God has a purpose for each one of us.  He spared your life.  You are still here.

Perhaps you, too, have a 'why did God spare my life' question.

The 'why' is not as important as the 'who'.  Two 'who's' actually.  God and you.

God chose you.

God spared you.

God is not done with you.

What action is He asking you to take? Whatever it is, God is with you.  He is in it for eternity.

Your actions matter.

Your life matters.

You matter.

My Not 20th Anniversary

20 years ago today I said, "I do" to an abuser... and it changed my life forever.

As grateful as I am that I am no longer in that situation, I do feel a level of sadness today as I am aware I will not be celebrating a 20 year milestone with friends today.  Instead, I reflect on the promises that my groom and I made to each other on July 29, 1999 and realize just how far we are from them.

The Vows We Said

... to be my wedded husband/wife
... to have and to hold
... from this day forward
... for better, for worse
... for richer, for poorer
... in sickness and in health
... to love and to cherish
... till death do us part

His Vows - what he meant based on his actions 

... to officially have you as my possession
... to have you do whatever I tell you and to hold things over your head as a way to manipulate you
... from this day forward I will control you
... for you better have the house clean, the meals prepared, and the children looked after, or things will get worse for you
... for the richer I become, the poorer you will be because I will spend my money however I want
... in sickness I will blame you for not taking care of yourself and make fun of you for struggling with mental health
... to love you in a completely selfish way, to get what I want, when I want it, and to not cherish your needs, not that I know what cherish even means
... till I make your life so miserable that you contemplate self-inflicted death on a regular basis and hopefully you will follow through with it so it will prove you were unstable and people will have pity on me


My Vows - what I meant based on my actions

... to do whatever it takes to make you my happy husband
... to have you control my actions, my finances, my friendships, my time, and anything else that I have, and hold your hand in public even when we just had a fight
... from this day forward I will be submissive, passive, and have no opinion of my own
... for better to have you happy then to say what I really think, because standing up for myself will make things worse
... for when I get richer, by working many hours and having to take the kids with me to events I am overseeing, I will use my money on what you tell me to and I will become poorer. And, when we are poor, it will be my fault
... in sickness I will not take a day off because we need the money, and when my mental health is deteriorating, I will hide it the best I can
... to say "I love you" when it hurts or when you've just hurt me, and to be okay with never being cherished by you
... till I consider death daily, and the only way I can part from you is with your permission

This is how life turned out for us.  I don't regret marrying him, as I have two wonderful children and a lot of experience I can now use to help other women.  I do wish I would have left sooner so there would have been less impact on my children. 

Through it all, I know that God was with me.  On this earth we will suffer, and I am no exception.  But, I am grateful that God gave me reprieve from this suffering after 11 years.  

I choose to look forward to the amazing things God still has in store for my life and the lives of my children.

And, perhaps, I will celebrate alone with my favourite cheesecake.

Face Down and Face Covered

"Do you feel like a man when you push her around?"


Fear.

Fear of being hit.

Fear of being called names.

Fear of being cursed at because of my actions.

A constant state of fear.


No break.

No pause.

Continual.


I walk on eggshells but he still gets mad because the shells crack too loudly.

He gives me permission to go out with friends but he is dangerously angry upon my return.

He reminds me who the boss is.

And, it's not me.

Belittled.

He forgets something at home and it's my fault.

We are driving out of town for a day trip, he gets mad at something I say, he hits me, and he turns the car around to head back home.  My fault again.

He tries to initiate sex at 4am after I just get our baby back to sleep.  I say 'no' so he punches me in the leg and leaves the room.  I never say 'no' again.

I sit at the kitchen table facing away from him.  He is angry.  He punches me in the back of the head. I didn't even see it coming.

Eleven years spent in constant fear.

It's no wonder I am so afraid when I am around men.


"Facedown in the dirt she says 'this doesn't hurt.'"


It's okay.

He didn't mean it.

He said he was sorry.

He said he will never hit me again.


My head is pounding from being punched in the temple but it doesn't hurt.

He told me I will never amount to anything but it doesn't hurt.

He made me look like the bad guy again but it doesn't hurt.

I have to say no to my friends but it doesn't hurt.

Sex is being forced on me but it doesn't hurt.


It does hurt.

It all hurts.

But, I keep pretending it doesn't.

Lies.

Shame.

Secrets.

That is what my life is built on.

It's no wonder I want to hide.


I live with the after-effects of this every single day.

My mind and body remind me constantly.

Let me talk about it.

Ask me questions.


I am still sacred.

I am still hurt.

But, I'm trying.

Have grace.

Please.

Setting Boundaries Doesn't Mean You're Broken (it means you're rebuilding)

I have struggled with boundaries ever since my personal property was violated at thirteen years old. The guy who assaulted me didn't ask if he could come in - he broke down the door and barged in.  

He destroyed my boundary line.

Since that time, I have been assaulted by several men and one woman.  I had no idea how to put up a new fence and rebuild my door.

In 1998 when I started dating my now ex-husband, I went to counselling to get help with my fear of being hurt again.  I went there for boundary help (even though I didn't know at the time that is what it was) and what she gave me was, "Not every guy is the guy who hurt you."  To me, that translated as, "Let him in even if it's scary.  He's not the one that hurt you."  She essentially counselled me to not rebuild.  

And, so, I didn't. 

My ex-husband went on to cross each one of my boundaries.  He took advantage of me in every way.

Fast forward to four years ago.  I started attending Celebrate Recovery and learning what healthy boundaries are all about.  

Then, a year ago, for the first time, I verbally set a boundary with a guy.  I was not comfortable with his actions around me and I told him I had to back away.  We made a 'no physical contact' boundary. 

Since then I have set many non-verbal boundaries.  I always take a step back when a guy stands too close to me, I most often stand in the doorway of a man's office instead of going in, I don't engage in emotional or sexual conversation with men, and only in specific situations with other people around will I initiate any physical contact with them.  

There's a guy at one of my jobs who is touchy-feely.  Since the first time I met him, he often put his hand on my shoulder or touched my arm.  He also invaded my space by reaching over me or standing too close.  I dismissed his actions, even though I froze with fright every time, because I knew he was not intentionally trying to hurt me.  He probably thought he was just being friendly, and to those with a strong fence and a bolted door, perhaps that is all he was doing.  

Not for me.  I knew I needed to set a verbal boundary.

Recently, I helped him with something around the office and he put his hand on my shoulder as a way to say "thanks" (which he also said out loud).  This time, however, he also gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze.  

I knew it was time to stand up for myself, put another picket in my flimsy fence, and another hinge on my door.

Later that day, I told him that I was uncomfortable with him touching me.  He was a little puzzled about me needing no physical contact, but he apologized and was very respectful.  He even thanked me for telling him.  Because I have a good working relationship with him, even though I know I didn't need to,  I told him I spent 11 years in domestic violence and that I am not over it yet.  

I wanted him to understand where I was coming from because I care about the relationship and not as an explanation for my request (we all have a right to our boundaries, no questions asked).

My hope is that he will think twice before putting his hands on another woman, especially in an office setting. I honestly think he just wasn't aware of what he was doing, and I hope by my speaking up he will be more aware and conscientious of his actions.

If you want to put your hands on someone, especially someone of the opposite sex, respect them by asking for permission first.  If asking for permission seems stupid or unreasonable, then do the smart and reasonable thing - do not touch them at all.

Called to Love (and called to pastor)

I have struggled with mild depression since I was a teenager, but it has been worse been lately.  I can see a few causes for the downward spike but a big one is the debates, well, more like verbal punches, that have been thrown around on Twitter regarding women in ministry - Complementarian (women cannot preach to men) vs. Egalitarian (women can preach to all people). That is the very simplified definition.  When I read comments like, "If you continue to hold the egalitarian position, you are deceived and not redeemed... how can an egalitarian be a saved person?" I feel oppressed and condemned.  

There are many who hold the complementarian position that does not have such an extreme view as the guy quoted above, but the bottom line for them is the same - women cannot be pastors.

I have a problem with this.  A big problem.  When I headed to Bible College 21 years ago, it was with the intention of becoming a pastor.  Yes, I detoured from that path over the years, but I have always volunteered at or worked in the church.  The church is my safe place - it has been for as long as I can remember. 

The more recovery and healing I experience, the more I feel God calling me to be a pastor.  I am scared to tell some people that because I don't want a negative response and I don't want to be made to feel that I am wrong in my thinking.  The question I keep coming back to regarding the complementarian position is: "Is God not able to call women to preach His Word?" I believe in a God who can do anything within His character.  If people are putting the cap on what God can and cannot do, that is a problem.

So, I have taken this whole debate to heart considering I truly believe God is calling me to be a pastor.  I don't want to preach on a regular basis but instead, I want to do something that I cannot find a job posting for anywhere.  I can see in my mind what the position looks like, but it seems I will have to create it somehow.  For many churches, especially small ones, the job falls on the lead, and often only, pastor.  In large churches, it is more of an administrative role with a volunteer team that are the hands and feet.  

Let me give you an idea of my dream ministry.

There is a new movie out called, "Breakthrough" where a young boy falls through the ice and has a long road to recovery.  The pastor of the church hangs out at the hospital with the parents, prays with them, listens to them, and is a support person.  His role is to simply be present.  

Last week we had a lady fall and sustain an injury that required a trip to the ER.  I drove her there, sat with her for over 3 hours, and made sure she got home safely.  My role was to simply be present.

And, that is what I want to do.  I want to be present for those who are suffering, hurting, going through difficult times, experiencing pain, and whatever else life can throw at people.  I want to be a Care Pastor - the one who gets the call in the middle of the night because someone's family member was in an accident. Or, a call to have prayer for a sick friend.  Or, to hold someone's hand as they pass into eternity.  Or, to sit with at the hospital in the midst of the unknown.  Or, have someone sitting in my office who is suffering from the "splashover from hell" (Joni Eareckson Tada, When God Weeps).

There's no job posting for that.

So, I started to doubt myself.  Maybe I'm not actually being called. After all, women can't be pastors. And, if there is a job that fits my dream, I have yet to see it. On top of that is a lot of fear of what certain people would think, questions of whether I could really have a ministry like that, and whether, as a woman, my dream is even possible.

Thankfully, God has a way of getting my attention and giving me the encouragement I need at the exact time I need it. 

As I was getting ready for church this morning, I decided to listen to my devotion for the day from a YouVersion devotional called, "Embracing Who You Are: Loving How God Made You" by Gather Ministries.  As I listened, tears ran from my eyes.  Here is a little bit of what God says about us:

You are made to love uniquely, in the unique way I’ve made you to do it. You are whom I have made you to be when you love the way only you can. 

Your love—my love in you—is hope for people I love. It is kindness and compassion and gentleness and service. My love in you is what equips you to give freely and love without boundaries. Only when you love freely, with your personality and with your gifts—can my freedom be experienced in you. And that is what people find captivating.  

Me in you? That is what is captivating. That is what shines. That is what brings people hope. That is what lets you care less about productivity and more about being with Me. When you are with Me, you are loving. And when you are loving, you are experiencing my freedom; you inhabit my space. It is what you have been designed to live.

Joy. Freedom. Hope.

So don’t second guess how I’ve made you. I only made one you. Only one. You are the only one, my daughter. So inhabit my love and you will love in abundance without having to try. Because you will be being yourself.  

God is calling me to love the way He created me to love.  When I love in that way, my fears will leave because "there is no fear in love for perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18). 

God created me to love others in a unique way - so unique that there is no job posting for it.  I don't know God's plan of how it will all play out, but what I do know is I need to be true to the person God made me to be and love people the way He created me to love. 

That, my friend, is freedom. 

Fabulous, Fathered, Fearless Forty

I have done a lot of things in light of turning forty this year.  It started on January 29th when I got the stomach flu.  Since everything was out of my system I figured it was a good time to start eating healthy, so I began a whole foods lifestyle.  Since that time I have lost thirty pounds.  On April 5th, I decided to take it a step further and begin my forties as a vegetarian.  That is going well so far.

As many of you know, I grew up without an earthly father.  He rejected me my whole life. I have always known that God in Heaven is my Father, but I have never truly been able to accept Him into my life as such.  A few weeks ago I visited my friend's church and we sang "No Longer Slaves." There is a line in that song that goes, "I am surrounded by the arms of a Father."  After that line, God came down to me.  He was right in front of me and He said, "Paula, let Me be your Father."  He didn't ask, and He didn't demand, yet His comment commanded a response.  Another line in the song says, "I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God." When I put the two lines together, things made so much sense to me.  When I can accept that God is my Father and I am His child, that's the sweet place where I no longer have to fear.  Being the analyst and processor that I am, I didn't answer God right away.  In fact, it took a few weeks.  I didn't want to frivilously give my "yes" without putting my heart into what I was saying yes to.  So, the other night, with tears steaming down my face, I said yes to allowing God to be my Father.  After forty years of feeling fatherless, I am starting this decade with a Father and without fear.  I am excited to see what that combination has in store for me.

I have to admit that I in no way, shape, or form wanted to turn forty.  In fact, that's the reason I shut down Facebook  - so no one would know it was my birthday.  I told my kids I wasn't celebrating this year.  A friend wanted to have something delivered for me and I told him no. I wanted no acknowledgement of the day.  Now, perhaps I selfish and controlling, maybe even a little crazy, but I decided to order myself a birthday cupcake cake and bring some to all those people who were involved in my day and ask them to celebrate with me.  It started last night when I brought a cupcake to a friend I had coffee with,  Then this morning I brought some into my church office.  I knew there was Bible Study going on so I shared cupcakes with those friends and coworkers.  And, they sang to me.  This afternoon I worked at the paralegal office, so I also shared cupcakes with them.  And, my boss to me there.  I had a birthday supper with Kaden, then this evening I had a meeting so I took cupcakes to celebrate with them.  When I got home, Kaden had a friend over and they sang and dropped a beat to Happy Birthday for me and had a cupcake.  In total, I celebrated my birthday with 21 friends!!! That's so cool! On top of that, I got cards, money, a book, a beautiful letter, and my favourite gift of all... hugs!!!

As much as I did not want to turn forty, it happened.  And, here I am.  However, I did not just allow it to happen, I took it by horns partied all day!  Yes, it was on my own terms, but I think that is totally okay.  As a Fabulous, Fathered, Fearless Forty year old, I can choose how I want to celebrate. And, it was Fantastic!  Thank you to all my friends who helped me celebrate and made this day one I will remember for a long time.  Love you all!!

Watch out! Fearless Forty year old on the loose!  I am excited to see what this year and decade will bring and what God is going to do in my life!