Setting Boundaries Doesn't Mean You're Broken (it means you're rebuilding)

I have struggled with boundaries ever since my personal property was violated at thirteen years old. The guy who assaulted me didn't ask if he could come in - he broke down the door and barged in.  

He destroyed my boundary line.

Since that time, I have been assaulted by several men and one woman.  I had no idea how to put up a new fence and rebuild my door.

In 1998 when I started dating my now ex-husband, I went to counselling to get help with my fear of being hurt again.  I went there for boundary help (even though I didn't know at the time that is what it was) and what she gave me was, "Not every guy is the guy who hurt you."  To me, that translated as, "Let him in even if it's scary.  He's not the one that hurt you."  She essentially counselled me to not rebuild.  

And, so, I didn't. 

My ex-husband went on to cross each one of my boundaries.  He took advantage of me in every way.

Fast forward to four years ago.  I started attending Celebrate Recovery and learning what healthy boundaries are all about.  

Then, a year ago, for the first time, I verbally set a boundary with a guy.  I was not comfortable with his actions around me and I told him I had to back away.  We made a 'no physical contact' boundary. 

Since then I have set many non-verbal boundaries.  I always take a step back when a guy stands too close to me, I most often stand in the doorway of a man's office instead of going in, I don't engage in emotional or sexual conversation with men, and only in specific situations with other people around will I initiate any physical contact with them.  

There's a guy at one of my jobs who is touchy-feely.  Since the first time I met him, he often put his hand on my shoulder or touched my arm.  He also invaded my space by reaching over me or standing too close.  I dismissed his actions, even though I froze with fright every time, because I knew he was not intentionally trying to hurt me.  He probably thought he was just being friendly, and to those with a strong fence and a bolted door, perhaps that is all he was doing.  

Not for me.  I knew I needed to set a verbal boundary.

Recently, I helped him with something around the office and he put his hand on my shoulder as a way to say "thanks" (which he also said out loud).  This time, however, he also gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze.  

I knew it was time to stand up for myself, put another picket in my flimsy fence, and another hinge on my door.

Later that day, I told him that I was uncomfortable with him touching me.  He was a little puzzled about me needing no physical contact, but he apologized and was very respectful.  He even thanked me for telling him.  Because I have a good working relationship with him, even though I know I didn't need to,  I told him I spent 11 years in domestic violence and that I am not over it yet.  

I wanted him to understand where I was coming from because I care about the relationship and not as an explanation for my request (we all have a right to our boundaries, no questions asked).

My hope is that he will think twice before putting his hands on another woman, especially in an office setting. I honestly think he just wasn't aware of what he was doing, and I hope by my speaking up he will be more aware and conscientious of his actions.

If you want to put your hands on someone, especially someone of the opposite sex, respect them by asking for permission first.  If asking for permission seems stupid or unreasonable, then do the smart and reasonable thing - do not touch them at all.