20 years ago today I said, "I do" to an abuser... and it changed my life forever.
As grateful as I am that I am no longer in that situation, I do feel a level of sadness today as I am aware I will not be celebrating a 20 year milestone with friends today. Instead, I reflect on the promises that my groom and I made to each other on July 29, 1999 and realize just how far we are from them.
The Vows We Said
... to be my wedded husband/wife
... to have and to hold
... from this day forward
... for better, for worse
... for richer, for poorer
... in sickness and in health
... to love and to cherish
... till death do us part
His Vows - what he meant based on his actions
... to officially have you as my possession
... to have you do whatever I tell you and to hold things over your head as a way to manipulate you
... from this day forward I will control you
... for you better have the house clean, the meals prepared, and the children looked after, or things will get worse for you
... for the richer I become, the poorer you will be because I will spend my money however I want
... in sickness I will blame you for not taking care of yourself and make fun of you for struggling with mental health
... to love you in a completely selfish way, to get what I want, when I want it, and to not cherish your needs, not that I know what cherish even means
... till I make your life so miserable that you contemplate self-inflicted death on a regular basis and hopefully you will follow through with it so it will prove you were unstable and people will have pity on me
My Vows - what I meant based on my actions
... to do whatever it takes to make you my happy husband
... to have you control my actions, my finances, my friendships, my time, and anything else that I have, and hold your hand in public even when we just had a fight
... from this day forward I will be submissive, passive, and have no opinion of my own
... for better to have you happy then to say what I really think, because standing up for myself will make things worse
... for when I get richer, by working many hours and having to take the kids with me to events I am overseeing, I will use my money on what you tell me to and I will become poorer. And, when we are poor, it will be my fault
... in sickness I will not take a day off because we need the money, and when my mental health is deteriorating, I will hide it the best I can
... to say "I love you" when it hurts or when you've just hurt me, and to be okay with never being cherished by you
... till I consider death daily, and the only way I can part from you is with your permission
This is how life turned out for us. I don't regret marrying him, as I have two wonderful children and a lot of experience I can now use to help other women. I do wish I would have left sooner so there would have been less impact on my children.
Through it all, I know that God was with me. On this earth we will suffer, and I am no exception. But, I am grateful that God gave me reprieve from this suffering after 11 years.
I choose to look forward to the amazing things God still has in store for my life and the lives of my children.
And, perhaps, I will celebrate alone with my favourite cheesecake.
You are a inspiration to many including myself!
ReplyDeleteRomans 12:19 “ never avenge yourself. Leave that to God, for he has said that he will repay those who deserve it.”
This has been my strength for a few weeks, not that I wish harm on my abuser but that he may one day answer to it! ��
Keep strong, you are not alone! I’m thankful for my experience from broken people because it has shown me just how far I’ve come.
“Hurting people hurt people” I remind myself that I was once lost to! I hold strong the my faith that God will deal with these kind of people. I am trusting the process for him in hopes he may one day acknowledge his pain and the pain he has inflicted on myself and others.