"Just Hit Me" - The Power of the Cycle of Violence

I wrote a paper recently on the reason why women stay in domestic violence.  One of the reasons I explored is the Cycle of Violence.  I was asked by my professor to share some of that information with the class today.  As I was thinking about what I most wanted to get across, I saw a connection in my journey that I had never seen before. 

Here is what Domestic Violence Roundtable has to say about the Cycle: In 1979, psychologist Lenore Walker found that many violent relationships follow a common pattern or cycle. The entire cycle may happen in one day or it may take weeks or months. It is different for every relationship and not all relationships follow the cycle—many report a constant stage of siege with little relief.

This cycle has three parts:

1. Tension building phase—Tension builds over common domestic issues like money, children or jobs. Verbal abuse begins. The victim tries to control the situation by pleasing the abuser, giving in or avoiding the abuse. None of these will stop the violence. Eventually, the tension reaches a boiling point and physical abuse begins. 
2. Acute battering episode—When the tension peaks, the physical violence begins. It is usually triggered by the presence of an external event or by the abuser’s emotional state—but not by the victim’s behavior. This means the start of the battering episode is unpredictable and beyond the victim’s control. However, some experts believe that in some cases victims may unconsciously provoke the abuse so they can release the tension, and move on to the honeymoon phase. 
3. The honeymoon phase—First, the abuser is ashamed of his behavior. He expresses remorse, tries to minimize the abuse and might even blame it on the partner. He may then exhibit loving, kind behavior followed by apologies, generosity and helpfulness. He will genuinely attempt to convince the partner that the abuse will not happen again. This loving and contrite behavior strengthens the bond between the partners and will probably convince the victim, once again, that leaving the relationship is not necessary.

On the night my ex and I celebrated one-month-iversary, we attended a Hokus Pick concert. On our way back from the concert we had our first big fight.  I don’t remember what the fight was about, but my ex was yelling at me in the car.  When we got back to the school, I got out of the car and headed straight upstairs to my room.  Our dorms were separated into male and female sides, so he could not follow me upstairs.  I heard him yelling, “Come down here” and “I want to talk to you” but I went to my room.  I was scared and upset that he was yelling at me. After a few minutes, one of the girls from the dorm came to my room and told me that he was downstairs looking for me and that he asked her to come up and get me because he wanted to talk to me. Eventually, I went back downstairs.  He said, “Let’s go to the car and talk.”  I was apprehensive, but I decided to go hear him out. As we walked out the door, I said something to him that I had never said to any other human being in my life… “Just don’t hit me.”

Let me stop here for a moment. I grew up in a loving household. I was never hit or abused in any way.  I had relationships with other guys, but I never feared for my physical safety. I was never punched, slapped, kicked, or physically injured. I had no prior experiences that would initiate those four words, “Just don’t hit me.” 

Fast forward to the week my ex was arrested, and keep in mind that for the 11.5 years between the concert and the arrest I was trapped in the Cycle of Violence.  What that means is for 11.5 years, when tension would build, the common way it would dissolve was through physical violence of some kind.  It could also resolve through anger, swearing, making one of us cry, or him breaking something in the house. 

My ex was arrested during the tension-building stage.  That tension continued to build even when he was out of the house.  There was so much unknown and so much uncertainty.  The tension inside my body got very strong, and since I had no coping skills to release the pressure on my own, the only thing I knew that would relieve it would be something physical. I wanted the tension bubble popped so badly that I said to a friend of mine, "Just hit me."

My 11.5 years in the violence cycle warped me so much that it took me from saying, "Just don't hit me" to "Just hit me."  That is how powerful the Cycle of Violence is.  

Being Single

A friend of mine was talking this week about an issue she witnessed while at her gym and how upset she was by it.  She said she went home and talked to her husband and he helped her work through it.

That is what I miss being able to do as a single person (not that my ex did it well).  There are so many topics that come up throughout my studies that I would like to talk about and explore.  It would be such a blessing to come home and have an honest conversation with a spouse and have him respond with grace, kindness, and gentleness.  That is something I have never known and yet long for.  How can I miss something so much that I never even had?

I want someone to talk through personal epiphanies.

I want someone to ask me hard questions and challenge my findings.

I want someone to listen when I need to vent about difficult relationships.

The other part of it is that I am a listener.  I ask questions and I listen.  When I do open up, I have strategically and intentionally worked out in my mind that I would share, and what I would share.

Another part is that I am a strong, tall, independent woman, and that presentation often comes across as not needing anyone or anything.

And, I must say, I have done a decent job at keeping my chin up and getting things done for myself over the past nine years.  I mean, I packed up my two kids and our dog and moved twenty-two hours away from home to a place where I only knew two people.  I went back to school, three times, got my daughter through high school, worked as a successful paralegal for almost three years, volunteered at many church events, attended every Sunday, lost about sixty pounds, and managed to keep us afloat (with some help from my mom on that one).

I know part of what I want to do in the future.  I know the things that drive me and propel me forward.  I am very aware of my gifts and I enjoy using them as much as possible (even though people thinking I am weird does hold me back sometimes).

Somehow I need to figure out how to keep doing this on my own.  Without question, Celebrate Recovery and the many friends I have met over the years have been instrumental in getting me this far.  Now I am moving on to the next chapter.  I don't know what that looks like, but I do know that I have to start being my own biggest fan (Rob White reference).  I also have to slap my own leg (Steven Furtick reference).  

I have to stop holding back just because I have no one to share my challenges and successes with.  I need to be content with coming home to myself. (My kids are home, but they do their own thing).

Through my writing today, I have encouraged myself and given myself a pep talk.  Perhaps I just need to be intentional about blogging again, since I do draw so much energy from it.  When I come home and want to talk about something, perhaps what I need to do is blog it.  Writing has always been a close companion and necessary "out" for me.  

I am going to get back to that.

And, I am happy being single. 

Husbands and Wives

“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”  Ephesians 5:22.

People, especially religious people, use this verse to guilt women into submitting to their husbands, “no matter what.” That’s not the context of the passage. Not only does it come after the verse that tells us to submit to one another, verse 22 adds “as to the Lord.”

Think about the attributes of God. He is loving, kind, good, and faithful. He has done everything for us, to the point of dying for us. God makes it easy to love Him. 

It is not burdensome to submit to someone whom we know will never hurt us, has our best interest in mind, who is working things out for our good, and who has an amazing future in store for us. Even during hard times, it’s easy (I don’t mean that lightly) to follow God because we know WHO He is. We know His attributes. 

Verse 25 says, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself up for her.”  Husbands are to love their wives with the attributes of God. When he is loving like God, the Fruit of the Spirit will shine through - joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). Will it be perfect? Of course not. But, that is his aim. 

When a woman knows that her husband is doing his best to love her the way Christ loves her, she will feel safe submitting to him.

The Bible is not some archaic book that has no relevance to our lives today.  It's not a book that merely gives laws about what we can and cannot do.  It has theological and life principles given to us by our Creator.  Who knows our lives better than the One who knit us together?

When husbands live out the role God calls them to, and women live out the role God calls them to, relationships can work.  

Marriage can be great.

My abusive ex-husband has not turned me away from marriage.  In fact, he taught me what marriage should not be, which in turn, caused me to learn what marriage should and could be.  I do hope to be married again sometime in the future to a man who will love me the way Christ loves me.  I hope to have a relationship with a man the way God intended.  I still have a dream, which I had since I was a teenager, of being in ministry with my husband.  

More than that, however, is my desire to educate young men and women who are in relationships about how God intended marriage to be.  I long for couples to have great marriages. Marriage is a blessing and it can be amazing.  I have been praying a lot lately for the marriages of some of my friends who are going through difficult times.  It has been on my heart so much. 

Husbands, love your wife the way God loves her.  Wives, submit to your husband.  Both of you, submit to God in everything. Let Him lead you.  Work on your relationship with God - it's the one that comes first. As you draw close to God as an individual, He will help you draw close to Him and each other as a couple. 

Don't give up the fight for healthy relationships. If you need counselling for your marriage, please get it.  There are some amazing counsellors and pastors who can help you navigate the difficult times.  You are not alone. 

If you are in a physically harmful relationship or there is a safety concern, please find someone who can help you get out quickly and safely. 

The Realities of Sexual Violence

When Bruce Banner shows up to the crazy scene in the Avengers movie, Steve Rogers says, "Now might be a really good time for you to get angry." Without missing a beat, Bruce says, "That's my secret, Captain, I'm always angry" and immediately transforms into the great green Hulk. 

My secret is not that I am always angry, it's that I am always scared.  Like Bruce, I do a good job at holding that strong emotion inside and only allowing it to be evident at certain times, but the truth remains: fear is always there. When fear takes over, I don't turn into a great green guy with super power; I shrink into a small camouflaged girl with super anxiety.  I don't join the fight; I run from it. 

When I am in the grocery store and someone stops behind me, I freeze.

When I am alone with a guy, I am frozen.

When it's just me and two or more guys, my insides are panicking.

When a guy stands too close to me, I'm freaking out.

When a guy puts his hands one me, my whole body shuts down.

When a guy is angry, I am scared he's going to hit me.

When a guy is calm, I am scared he's going to touch me.

I don't wear short skirts very often because when I do, my fear response is heightened dramatically.  I don't wear low cut shirts for the same reason. I am incredibly self-conscious and I will do what I can to not draw attention to myself... or my body.  This is likely the reason I am such a jeans-and-t-shirt girl; it's the safest thing I can wear.

The question is, why?  Why am I always scared? 

I am the 1 of 3 women who will experience some type of sexual violence in their lifetime.  Think about that.  I am describing what 33% of the female population possibly feel.  I know I am not alone in my fears, which is both a comfort and a sadness.  Everywhere we go there are women who are scared but yet put on a tough exterior to hide their fears.  

It's sad we do that instead of talking about it.  

It's sad that there is likely only one or two places where we actually feel safe.

It's sad that there are so many of us.

It's sad there are so many people who don't understand why we can be so jumpy, so anxious, so guarded, so hyper-vigilant, so scared. 

It's sad there are so many women who need counselling but will never receive it. 

It's sad that so many of us will be re-victimized. The first time I was sexually assaulted was at 13 years old (I had 2 close calls before that - but for the grace of God).  Since that time, I have been violated in some way or another by ten people, one of which is a woman. 

I'm not writing about this to get a "poor you" response.  Please, don't pity me.  Like I said, I am one of many, many, many women who have been sexually violated.  I am speaking for all of us.  

We have been victimized, but we are not victims.  It's not our fault.  We didn't ask for it, we didn't choose it, and we didn't want it.  We are strong women who have survived some awful things happening to us.  We get up everyday and go about our lives, often acting as though we are fine.  We are learning to set boundaries.  We are rebuilding the door to our property that was violently broken down (see that post here). 

We are rising from the ashes.  What are living proof that what was meant to harm us is now being used for good - to save many people from loneliness, isolation, defeat. 

Is everyday a struggle? Yes, it can be.  Thankfully, I am working hard on my recovery.  I have support people, support groups, a supportive counsellor, and an internal drive to not live as a victim.  

My prayer is that all of us who have been violated (guys included) will find a safe place to begin the healing process and safe people who will journey with us. 

Stand up.

Speak out.

You are not alone.

We need to hear your story.

Being Distracted from Being Present

Distractions.  They keep me from being 'present'.  I have noticed lately just how 'not present' I have been in many situations.  My mind is going here or there when I am supposed to be listening to instructions for something, I'm scrolling mindlessly when I am supposed to be paying attention, or I am wandering around doing this or that when I should be focused.  I constantly think about the next thing instead of enjoying what is going on in the moment, I continuously have to bring myself back to the 'now' during some conversations (something I have never struggled with before), and when I need to be taking care of something that's pressing now, I find myself skipping ahead and to something that's not as urgent.

Yes, I am dealing with a lot of emotional stressors right now, which undoubtedly is a factor in my distractions, but I really don't like that I have to work so hard to be present and to enjoy the here and now.  

This propensity for distraction is not going to bode well with me once I start back to school.  I already notice that when I am reading I am thinking about checking my social media platforms.  I need to break myself of this habit!  I need to stay focused.  When I am grading papers, I can't be wondering about what so and so just posted on Instagram or what the latest trend is on Twitter.  I need to get back to a place where those things don't matter to me anymore. It's not healthy for me when the first thing I do in the morning is check who posted what on Facebook overnight.  I have to let it go.

Needless to say, social media has to go.  I'm not going to deactivate my accounts, but I am going to delete the apps from my phone.  I need to utilize self-control in this area so I can get the most of my time and the most of out of my relationships.  I am enjoying one-on-one interactions so much more lately, and I want more of that.  I am choosing to be completely engaged with the people around me.  I choose personal connections over social media.

I will check emails on a regular basis.  Emails are personal, written to me, and I enjoy connecting with people that way.  I also respond to texts since they, too, are personal to me. 

It's time to focus.  

It's time to engage.  

It's time to be present.  

After all, the present is a gift... it's time I enjoy it. 

The Busy is Coming (but so are the sweaters!)

There is something about the crisper air that sets my spirit ablaze.  It makes me come alive.  I am a fall-girl at heart: there's no doubt about that!

Some of my satisfaction and joy comes from the accomplishment of reading two books over the past couple of weeks. One was a fiction book a friend suggested from the church library,  and the other was a book of interest lent to me by a friend, and it wasn't laboursome.  Grammar, to me, is never laboursome ;) [It was Eats, Shoots & Leaves]

I stopped in at the College today and I got even more excited about fall than I was already.  It is only one more week until students arrive! I am going to be there that day to welcome them and connect with them. I can't wait!  I also said hello to a few friends there, and chatted with one of the profs I will be TA'ing for this semester.  I absolutely love being a member of the Heritage family!

With this next season also comes a lot of work.  I am taking 3 seminary classes, auditing 1 class, and  the Teacher Assistant for 2 classes.  I also work 2 part-time jobs, attend a weekly Overcoming Abuse group, attend and lead at Celebrate Recovery every Friday night, see a counsellor once every two weeks, am a full-time single mom, and somehow try to maintain my sanity.  Thankfully, these are all things I have chosen and I want to do. Nonetheless, it will be an intense semester. 

I probably won't be blogging much over the next few months, for obvious reasons, but then again, I may just need to use this outlet to help maintain that sanity I mentioned earlier :D

Whatever comes, I am so incredibly grateful to be living this crazy life.  It is filled with incredible people who enrich my life.  Thank You, God, for choosing me.  Help my life to reflect Your goodness. Amen.

My Passion is Different (and that's okay)

It's okay that weight loss is not my main priority.  Do I want to be healthy? Of course.  However, it's okay that I don't live every day with my main goal as losing weight. 

I follow a lot of people on Instagram who have weight loss, exercise, and physical health as one of their top daily goals.  And, that is great for them.  They spend their lives motivating others to be healthier, and I commend them for that.  They have found their calling, or at least part of it, and they are living that out.  I think that is amazing, and I learn from them.

The thing is, we can't all be fitness people. Nor are we all called to be fitness people.

I have to give myself permission to be okay with the fact that I am not one of those people.  Yes, I will always work on my weight and health, but not to motivate others, per se.  I can be so hard on myself, thinking I need to be posting my workouts (when I actually go to the gym), the healthy meals I eat, and what my weight is.  But, that's not me.  

I did try that once.  I signed up to be a Beachbody coach.  I enjoyed the shakes, I took pictures daily, I worked out at home every morning.  It was a good lifestyle for a while, and I saw changes in my body.  But, I wasn't invested in it.  And, that's okay.

I do my make up every day, but I have never posted one make up video.  For some, that is their thing, but, it is not mine. 

Some thrive on clothing styles and brands and build a business around it.  I need those people so I know that what I am wearing is at least somewhat in.  If I posted my daily outfits, it would be mostly jeans and a t-shirt - or some combination of such.  

Some are passionate about a particular product and use their efforts to bring awareness and make sales.  I will sometimes buy the product, but I have no desire to sell the product.  And, that is totally okay. 

There are many passions out there - teaching, coaching, talking, designing, creating, cooking, etc.  The list can go on and on.

I used to believe that since I struggle with my weight, and I am working on being healthier, then I should be sharing that journey.  But, my passion is something completely different.  

And, that is okay. 

Let's embrace our uniqueness!