Person: Do you have a man yet?
My Answer: No, I do not have a man yet.
Person: But, it's been over eight years!
As much as we have heard it said that "time heals all wounds," it is, unfortunately, not true. The truth is the healing journey takes a lot of hard work. And, while I have journeyed the path for quite some time now, I am still not "healed."
Let me ask you this:
- After eleven years of living in a home where anger came with physical and emotional violence, is eight years enough time to stop flinching in fear every time a man near me is angry?
- After eleven years of being told that all the bad things that happen is my fault, is eight years enough time to stop feeling like I am to blame when things go wrong?
- After eleven years of having to account for every minute of my time, is eight years enough time to really understand what freedom feels like?
- After eleven years of mostly non-consensual sex, is eight years enough time to intentionally want a man in my personal space?
- After eleven years of walking on eggshells in my own home, is eight years enough time to believe that a relationship can be any other way?
- After eleven years of having my boundaries kicked down and trampled on, is eight years enough time to learn how to create healthy boundaries, implement those boundaries, and know how to respond when someone crosses them?
If eight years is not enough time, how much time is? Will time heal these wounds, and the many others I did not list? For some, eight years may be enough time. However, for me, it is not. And, whether it is or it is not enough time, that is totally okay.
During my eleven years in domestic violence, my emotions took a beating. They were shattered on a regular basis and eventually they turned to ice. It has only been in the past couple of years that my emotions have begun to thaw. Most would think that is a good thing, and I am sure on some level it is, but what the thawing is doing is making me feel the emotions that surround the abuse and pain that happened in my life. The situations of my past are no longer just facts, as I had referred to them for many years, they are memories that hold deep hurt that I need to work through. My memories hold emotion and responses that need healing in order to move forward in a healthy way. My broken heart, emotions, trust, boundaries, and security need healing before I can consider having a man in my life. And, that's okay. God needs to continue restoring me and returning what was stolen from me before I can embark on an intimate relationship. I still need to fully accept my worth and value as a daughter of the One True King so I do not go looking to a man to provide what only God can give me.
I am still on my healing journey. I have an amazing support team who accept me exactly where I am yet will kick my butt to move me forward when needed. I am growing and recovering by the power of Jesus. I am not ready for a man. And, that's okay.
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