Living Life (but thinking death)

I thought about ending my life for 25 years. 

It started shortly after the assault in grade eight. I would walk around the harbour in our small town, and as I walked over the bridge I would stop, look down at the water streaming by below, and something inside me would create a longing to climb up and jump over into the water.  I would also bring a bottle of Tylenol to school with me and take two every couple of hours. One night I was laying on the couch, alone in the dark, and I held a knife to my wrist.  

The next instance I can remember doing something physical to express my thoughts of wanting to end my life was on my fifth wedding anniversary.  My ex said something to make me feel like garbage, he put the kids in the car, and I sat on the kitchen floor holding a large knife to my wrist. 

A few years later, when the abuse was really starting to take a toll on my mental health, I often considered driving my car into an oncoming transport truck and wondered how I could do it so that it looked like an accident. 

One would think that after getting out the marriage the thoughts would subside.  Well, they didn't.  I continued to battle suicidal thoughts almost every day. With every low, every rejection, every criticism, and every lie from the enemy, my default thinking would be to just end my life.

It's not that I wanted to die... it's that I wanted the pain to end. 

A year ago this month, my suicidal thoughts were consuming me on a regular basis, and I decided to decide once and for all whether to live or die.  Actually, I gave myself three choices:

1. Live and Follow Jesus

2. Stay and Believe in Jesus

3. Leave and Meet Jesus

I wrote out my reasons for insisting I make a decision, the Cost/Benefit for each option, and detailed processing about other implications surrounding the decision I needed to make.  Then, I gave myself a deadline to make my choice. 

On February 24th, 2018, I made the decision to Live and Follow Jesus.  

I took the suicide option off the table. 

Was it easy to maintain? Not always.  I had 25 years of thinking about death to rewrite.  I had to learn a new method of dealing with the intense feelings I did not want to face.  I had to consistently tell myself that suicide is not an option and instead find a healthy way to process my hurt and pain.  It was not easy at the beginning.  But, with time, the power of God, and the help of my accountability team, I can now celebrate one year of Choosing Life! 

For the first time in my remembered life, I go for weeks without suicide even crossing my mind.  God has done such healing in my heart and mind that I now say, "I don't want to die yet!"

I am grateful to be alive.  God has given me a purpose for being here, and I am excited to be living that out.  He has put incredible people in my life that contribute to my wellbeing more than they realize.  Is it easy? No, of course not.  Life still has the same kinds of issues, but I now have healthy strategies in place to deal with it.  My Celebrate Recovery team is absolutely amazing and I am so blessed to be journeying with them.

We sang a song on Sunday called Living Hope. A line in that song says, "Death has lost its grip on me."  When I sang that line I started to cry.  It has a significant meaning for me now.  

I can honestly say, death has lost its grip on me.  Praise Jesus!