I did all the right things. I said, "no" repeatedly. I pushed his hand away. I kept walking away. After touching me inappropriately on five different occasions, and him getting more aggressive each time, I knew that what he was doing to me could not continue. I knew what he was doing was wrong, and my "no" was not enough for him.
Let me back up a little. When I was in grade eight, I started at a new school. I wanted to fit in, and about six months into the school year, an older male student started showing me attention. Our first interaction was not a conversation. I was standing in the empty cafeteria as lunch was ending, and I was looking at one of those "Got Milk?" posters. Remember those? Famous people with a milk mustache. Funny stuff. As I stood there looking at the female celebrity sitting on a chair with milk on her upper lip, I felt an eerie presence. I suddenly startled as the figure behind me began touching me inappropriately. I turned to see who it was and walked out of the room.
Following that incident, I was on Ned's* radar. He called me one night, he purposely showed up wherever I was, and he was sexually inappropriate with me several times.
One night I got the courage to talk to a friend of mine about what Ned was doing. She encouraged me to talk to a female teacher, and the next day I did just that. When I told her, the first words that came out of her mouth were, "I don't believe it... well, I do, but he's one of my students. I can't believe he would do that... I've heard of sexual abuse but I have never had to deal with it."
After telling the teacher, I went on to report Ned to the police and he was sentenced to two years probation.
I continued doing everything right.
Although I took all the right steps in bringing my abuser to justice, the adults in my life dropped the ball when it came to helping me recover from the trauma.
It was a small town and everyone knew what happened, yet none of them truly took the time to listen to me and allow me to talk about my feelings.
Examples:
- The female teacher - didn't initially believe me, then blamed me for Ned's suicide attempt saying, "He feels bad."
- The guidance counsellor - tried his best, since he was my only option for help, but made light of it when I brought up a particular situation and I didn't go see him again.
- My homeroom teacher - I brought it up in my school journal to which he replied, "I'm glad you told us!" He never brought it up in person.
- Kid's Help Phone - I told my story, and he thought there was a discrepancy so he said, "Call back when you have a real problem" and hung up the phone. I never called back.
- A lady from town - I went to her when I was suicidal, but we never talked about the cause of my depression.
- Family members - none reached out, and I wasn't allowed to be sad or depressed.
- 100 Huntley Street - I wrote them a letter, and they wrote me back an empathizing letter and included a booklet for sufferers of sexual abuse. It was the only literature I received about what I was experiencing, and I read that thing over and over again. It was my book of hope.
- One friend that I was able to just hang out with and exchange letters with. I didn't talk about the emotions associated with what I went through, but I knew she was there for me. She was my best friend.
The high school kids were no better. Not long after I reported the abuse, an older student sat on my lap, with other students around, touched me inappropriately, and asked, "Are you going to charge me with sexual abuse, too?" Then in grade ten when I was dating a guy, a student stood up on our crowded school bus and said to my boyfriend, "You better be careful around Paula or she will charge you with sexual abuse" and proceeded to laugh.
What I unknowing learned through the whole experience was to keep quiet, and the biggest thing I lost was my voice. Ned took my power, and the onlookers took my voice.
So, where is the Hope in this sad story?
First of all, I survived a traumatic experience. I somehow had the instinct to take the necessary steps, and justice was served.
Secondly, I went on to live a fairly normal life. Yes, I was hurt again, but I survived that, too. I developed the heart of a survivor.
Thirdly, and most importantly, was something that I discovered recently. As I was going through the poems I had written over the years, there were two I wrote in grade nine. Both poems talked about how there was no one there for me, that no one understood what I was going through, and they both concluded with how I turned to God and He listened and "paid the most attention."
My faith and trust in God are what saved me. I knew He was there for me, and it seems I talked to Him a lot. I listened to Christian music that encouraged my soul; songs that expressed what I couldn't.
"There's no more sunshine, there's only heartache. Cause all you've been living for is gone now you're a victim once again.
Crying comes easy, now that it's over. You try to forget but still, the hurt won't heal. It's more than you can bear.
When your burdens get too heavy, and the nights get oh so lonely. God will bring you through if only, you lay all on Him.
Funny how something so good can go bad. How could this happen to you? It's so amazing what God wants to do, so don't worry, I know, that He'll work it out for you.
When you feel your world's been shaken, and the best of you's been taken, God knows your heart is aching, so lay it all on Him. No, you haven't been forsaken, so lay it all on Him." (Mike Eldred)
God was there. He was there the whole time. Through it all. Yes, people failed me - they always will. But, God never did. I believe that my relationship with my heavenly Father was solidified during this difficult situation. My belief in Him was strong, and I knew I could turn to Him.
I survived the trauma because God was with me.
I don't know what experiences you are facing in your life today, but I assure you that God is right there with you. When everyone in your life drops the ball, God catches it. He's here for you. Talk to Him... He's waiting and He's listening. He loves you and longs for a relationship with you. Reach out to Him.
What to do if you know someone who has been assaulted:
- Reach out to them and let them you know you are there.
- Check in with them regularly (use your intuition, and read the signs from the victim)
- Listen. Just listen. Allow them to share whatever they need to share. You don't have to have the answers. Victims just want to be heard and believed - that's where healing begins.
That's a good start. Every situation is different. The main thing is help them feel less alone. Be there. Simply be there.
*Name is changed
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