Why Weight?

Everyone copes somehow.  For many of us, we are still battling a coping mechanism that started in our adolescence or teen years. For this reason, there are programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Take Off Pounds Sensibly (TOPS), Codependents Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery, and a host more.  Most people find it difficult to break a long-term habit, especially when they've been using it for such a long time. 

I started coping with food after I was sexually assaulted in grade eight.  I was always a chubby kid, but it wasn't until this trauma that I used food as a means of comfort and control.  And, eventually, safety. 

After the assault, and inadequate counselling, my mental and emotional life were out of control.  So, I turned to food - something I could control.  At times I ate next to nothing, while other times I would eat the leftovers while clearing up from the meal.  Some days I starved myself and other days I pigged out alone in my room so no one would see me. This cycle continued all throughout high school, with grades eleven and twelve consisting more often of an intentional lack of food than an abundance of it. During my first year of Bible College, my eating habits were fairly consistent.  Meals were scheduled in the cafeteria, and while I put on the "freshman fifteen" I was pretty stable.  I got married a couple of months after college ended for the year, and that's when I started packing on the weight.  It was only two weeks into my marriage when I was punched for the first time, which had a profound effect on my mental and emotional wellbeing, which in turn caused me to resort to my old coping strategies - controlling what I could by controlling my food. 

This picture is my wedding day and one year later.  The abuse had already taken such a toll on me.

My weight continued to rise, and I reached three hundred pounds during my first pregnancy.  I stayed close to that weight until six months after the birth of my second child, at which time I knew I needed to get some help.  I went to a dietician and with some food training, I lost about 90 pounds.  

Newsflash: losing the weight did not help my mental and emotional health.  In fact, when my youngest was four years old, I was diagnosed as bipolar because of all the mental and emotional struggles I was having.  I was either very depressed or very happy, and I often considered driving my vehicle into an oncoming transport truck.  After a year on medication, it was determined I was not actually bipolar.  However, the medication had side effects that would last and still affects me today, such as my acne issues, and decreased lung capacity due to scar tissue from nodules.

I would like to say I kept the weight off, but one of the medications I was on caused weight gain.  And, there began the struggle, again, with my weight issues.  Over the next few years, I gained back about seventy pounds of what I had lost. 

What was more unhealthy than the weight I gained, was the self-esteem, confidence, and genuine joy and excitement for life that I lost.  I tried to keep on a happy face, but these pictures portray the hurt, pain, and shame that had overtaken my life. 

Those pictures were taken about six years ago.  Since that time, I have done a lot of work on my inside-self, and only a little on my outside-self.  In working through some of my struggles, I discovered that I use my weight as safety.  In my mind, I am at a much lower risk of being hurt again by others, especially men, when I remain overweight. I wish I could snap my fingers and have this belief disappear, but it is not that easy.  I strongly fear, and am terrified to the point of hypervigilance, of being hurt, and I will do what I can to prevent it from happening - even choosing to stay overweight.  

Yes, I still use food as a coping mechanism, and that often includes emotional eating, or emotional starving.  My relationship with food is still messed up.  I am not happy with my body, but I am safer with this body.  I am scared to tackle the weight because I know in doing that I will also have to tackle the underlying fears that have been my closest companions since grade eight.  It is difficult to get rid of lies that have been attached to me for twenty-seven years. 

Where is the Hope in all of this?  My Hope comes from knowing I am on a journey with God and He is never going to leave me.  He has been with me this whole time, and He has already healed me in many areas along the way.  This emotional/fear/food struggle is huge, but I know that when I choose to take that step and begin working through it, the reward will be such an intense level of freedom - one I cannot even begin to imagine.  My Hope is in the Lord who has brought me this far... He will not leave me now!